- To a certain extent, some relationship obsession is normal, particularly at the beginning of a new relationship.
- And if both partners feel that this sort of relationship dynamic works for them, there might not be much that friends or family members can do.
- When it becomes one-sided, however, it's something about which you should probably be more concerned.
- Healthy relationships can require relationships with friends and family members as well, which is another factor that couples who only spend time together may want to consider.
In many, if not most, new relationships, couples tend to get a little bit obsessed with one another. The relationship is brand-new, everything's exciting, you're infatuated. Basically, it's like you live in a romantic comedy. Some people might question how healthy it is, particularly because obsession can sometimes have a bad reputation — it's associated with some not-so-great things.
But early on in relationships, infatuation-based obsession might not be so worrisome. Tara Vossenkemper, MA, LPC, a therapist and the founder of The Counseling Hub, told INSIDER that while it might not be the healthiest thing, per se, "...it's not uncommon, let's say that, in the beginning of a relationship."
Perhaps the most obvious sign that you and your partner might be too obsessed with each other at the beginning of your relationship is that you tend to withdraw a bit from other relationships.
"Friends, family, that's usually the first sign," Monte Drenner, LMHC, MCAP, a licensed counselor at MTC Counseling, told INSIDER. "And I think, eventually, the couple will catch on, but usually it takes a while."
It's difficult when you're the friend or family member that feels like you're missing out on time spent with someone who's important to you, as Vossenkemper pointed out, but, again, to a certain extent, it's something that even friends and family members sort of expect.
"The couple's usually the last ones to figure this out because it's new, it's fresh, it's exciting, it's got all those things that stimulate the reward circuits in the brain," Drenner said.
And while this could happen either in the beginning of a relationship or be a sign that the obsession is taking a concerning turn, knowing the ins and outs of your partner's schedule can also indicate that you're a bit fixated on your partner and your relationship.
"Another sign is when the couple is overly focused on what their partner is doing, their schedule, or anyone they may be interacting with, often asking many questions or expressing thoughts that are driven by jealousy and insecurity," Toni Coleman, LCSW, CMC, a psychotherapist, relationship coach, and divorce mediator, told INSIDER. "Couples who are obsessed may call or text each other constantly throughout the day — definitely crossing normal boundaries and even impacting a partner's work or ability to handle their responsibilities. A partner may talk about their significantother to others excessively, including mention of them in every conversation, and often painting them in glowing terms."
When this sort of thing happens at the beginning of a new relationship, it might be another manifestation of that early-relationship infatuation and nothing more, but when it happens later on in your relationship, it could certainly be far more troubling.
"Early relationship obsession usually begins to wear off when the initial phase of raging hormones has passed, the newness has begun to wear off — and they have moved into the next stage of more comfort and attachment," Coleman said. "At that point, they will be wanting to go out with friends as a couple or alone, and to include a partner in activities they enjoy or pursue them alone if the partner is not interested. They will still prioritize one another, but not to the exclusion of others that they were doing earlier. If these things do not begin to happen when the second stage hits, it's a red flag."
Drenner said that your romantic relationship can't be the only relationship in you and your partner's lives.
At least, it can't be that way for very long. "A relationship focused on itself can't sustain itself. Think of a stagnant pool, it's just gonna continue to get more and more stagnant," Drenner explained. "It's gotta have water flowing in, water flowing out that stems from friends, family being a part of that relationship."
If it seems like you, your partner, a loved one, or their partner, isn't able to move beyond that initial infatuation period, which can sometimes happen without the person even realizing it, that's when experts say things are more serious.
Vossenkemper said that one partner wanting to (or unintentionally) control the other's schedule and social engagements, merge finances too quickly or suggest that one partner stay home and be "taken care of" by the other partner, and other things like that, in which the one partner begins to lose their independence, can be a sign of abuse.
"When you're in that situation, it so gradually shifts and there are so many great memories sort of embedded in these weird, toxic patterns, that it's really, really hard to get out of," she said. "It's really, really hard to recognize in the first place and then also to remove yourself in the second place."
If you're in this situation and you're able to acknowledge that there's something going on in your relationship that you're not entirely comfortable with, Coleman suggested that you bring it up and try to address it.
"If a partner is feeling smothered or has concerns, they should address these immediately," Coleman said. "They should ask for and take more time alone and apart and see how the other handles it. Better to know sooner rather than later that this may be a relationship that will not work for them."
When it's a friend or family member and they can't see what's going on, but you see something that concerns you, it can be a bit of an awkward and delicate situation.
Vossenkemper suggested presenting the situation to your friend as though it's your relationship, not theirs.
"If I'm talking to my best friend who's in that situation and I say, 'look, Cindy, here's everything that is going on or everything that I'm seeing. What would you do if I was in your situation? What would your concerns be if it was me that was in your relationship?' And that way it can create some distance between the person and their relationship," she said. "It's hard to see when you're in it, but maybe if you're thinking about your best friend in that, it feels a little bit different."
And make sure that you're supportive, rather than judgmental, of your friend — and even of their partner, as difficult as that may be — because extricating themselves from a situation where there's concern with too much obsession isn't as easy as it sounds, Vossenkemper added.
Though a bit of borderline obsession might not be that surprising early on, later on in your relationship or if it starts to veer off into controlling, manipulative behaviors, that's when there might be cause for some real concern —and when you'll need a whole lot of support.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive or a dangerously manipulative relationship please seek help or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Sign up here to get INSIDER's favorite stories straight to your inbox.
FAQs
What are the signs of obsession in a relationship? ›
- Overwhelming attraction to one person.
- Possessive thoughts and actions.
- Intense preoccupation with a relationship.
- Threatening the other person if they leave.
- Extreme jealousy.
- Repeated messaging via text, email, or phone calls.
- Monitoring the other person's actions.
To a certain extent, some relationship obsession is normal, particularly at the beginning of a new relationship. And if both partners feel that this sort of relationship dynamic works for them, there might not be much that friends or family members can do.
Can you be in love and obsessed at the same time? ›What is obsessive love disorder? “Obsessive love disorder” (OLD) refers to a condition where you become obsessed with one person you think you may be in love with. You might feel the need to protect your loved one obsessively, or even become controlling of them as if they were a possession.
How do you know if you and your partner love each other? ›- You feel safe with them. ...
- They listen. ...
- They acknowledge your differences instead of trying to change you. ...
- You can communicate easily. ...
- They encourage you to do your own thing. ...
- You trust each other. ...
- They make an effort. ...
- You know you can collaborate or compromise.
If someone is in love with you, they trust you. They want you to be the best version of yourself and only want good things for you. That includes giving you space when you need it. On the other hand, someone who is obsessed with you will be jealous and possessive.
What is the difference between obsession and love? ›Love is a feeling when a person wants the best for the one he loves, and always wants them to be happy, even if they are not part of his life. On the other hand, obsession is a crazy feeling where the person wants the other to be his or her's only.
What is obsession love disorder? ›Obsessive love disorder is a condition that causes you to experience obsessive feelings you might mistake as love for another person. A person with obsessive love disorder will indulge in these feelings, regardless if they are reciprocated or not.
How long does an obsession with someone last? ›Just seeing your beloved can make your heart race, your legs weak and your face flushed. Touch him, and well… Movies try to convince us we'll feel this way forever, but the intense romance has an expiration date for everyone. Expect the passion to last two to three years at most, says Dr.
How do you deal with obsessive love? ›In the early stages of treatment, individual therapy is best, especially if the relationship is abusive. If each person in the relationship is able to establish better boundaries individually, couples counseling may then help them work together and move past the obsessive love.
Do I love her or am I just attached? ›Love evokes fond feelings and actions toward the other person, particularly. Attachment is driven by how you feel about yourself with the degree of permanence and safety someone gives you, based on your past relationships. In other words, with love, your person is “the one” you have feelings for.
Is there a thin line between love and obsession? ›
At the start of a relationship, it's easy to confuse being in love with obsession. There is a thin line between obsession and devotion, and most relationships tend to begin with feelings of heightened anxiety and insecurity, so this confusion becomes entirely normal.
Are you in love or infatuated? ›Sternberg's theory of love, infatuation is rooted in passion; you're wildly attracted to the person, you're excited to see them, the sex is great, etc. Meanwhile, romantic love is rooted in both passion and intimacy; you have all the ingredients of infatuation, coupled with friendship, trust, support, etc.
What does true love feel like? ›But in a more literal sense, according to experts, true love feels like all the best parts of any great relationship all wrapped up into one. “Being truly in love with someone often feels like having a genuine friendship with the added bonus of ongoing attraction and sexual intimacy,” Dr.
How do you tell if you're not right for each other? ›- 8 Signs Your Relationship Isn't Working (And Whether You Should Break Up or Fix It) ...
- You're always fighting. ...
- There's no intimacy. ...
- Trust has taken a hit. ...
- Jealousy is getting the better of you. ...
- You don't spend much time together. ...
- Your emotional needs aren't being met. ...
- You're considering cheating (or you already have).
- Lust. This stage has a lot to do with sexual desire. ...
- Attraction. This stage can also involve feelings of lust and desire, but it goes a little deeper. ...
- Attachment. Once your attraction stabilizes, it can eventually transform to long-term attachment.
Being in love is wanting someone; loving them is wanting what's best for them. When you're “in love,” you want the other person with a self-centered urgency. You enjoy the wanting, especially when they want you right back. You want to include them in every part of your life.
What is love bombing? ›Love bombing refers to intense emotions, affection, and admiration someone gives to another person in a relationship. Love bombing can happen at any stage of a relationship, but it's more common when two people first meet. While all this attention may seem flattering, it can be dangerously manipulative.
What is a true love? ›True love is a unique and passionate bond that connects you as a couple that wants the best for the other person regardless of what that means for them. It is the foundation for a healthy, loving relationship. True love is authentic and genuine.
How do you know if someone is dangerously obsessed with you? ›- He knows things about you that you've never told him. ...
- He tries to intimidate other guys to keep them away from you. ...
- You've caught him lingering around places you go, without any reason other than to see you.
Just seeing your beloved can make your heart race, your legs weak and your face flushed. Touch him, and well… Movies try to convince us we'll feel this way forever, but the intense romance has an expiration date for everyone. Expect the passion to last two to three years at most, says Dr.
What causes an obsession? ›
Trauma or experiences in childhood that lead to an insecure attachment style may lead to fear of abandonment. People with a fear of abandonment may develop obsessive tendencies. People may be fearful to be alone and they may make threats or take impulsive actions in order to prevent a partner from leaving.
What makes someone obsessed with someone else? ›“Obsessing over a loved one is a sign of a disturbed mental state that can leave someone in depression.” While obsessive love disorder can occur alongside many conditions, it's commonly observed with: obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) delusional jealousy.
What is love bombing? ›Love bombing refers to intense emotions, affection, and admiration someone gives to another person in a relationship. Love bombing can happen at any stage of a relationship, but it's more common when two people first meet. While all this attention may seem flattering, it can be dangerously manipulative.
How can I make my boyfriend crave me? ›- Call him by cute names often:
- Keep him guessing:
- Touch him unexpectedly:
- Small changes do make a big difference:
- Compliment him often:
- Take him down the memory lane:
- Give him ample space:
- Smell good at all times:
- Make Your Boyfriend Feel Loved. ...
- Make Him Feel Valued. ...
- Be An Equal Partner In a Relationship. ...
- Be Educated and Smart. ...
- Don't Be Afraid To Have Fun. ...
- Allow Yourself To Be Vulnerable. ...
- Take Care Of Your Looks.
- The Euphoric Stage.
- The Early Attachment Stage.
- The Crisis Stage.
- The Deep Attachment Stage.
But in a more literal sense, according to experts, true love feels like all the best parts of any great relationship all wrapped up into one. “Being truly in love with someone often feels like having a genuine friendship with the added bonus of ongoing attraction and sexual intimacy,” Dr.
What are the different levels of obsession? ›There are five main types of obsessions: perfectionism (often related to symmetry, organization, or rules), relational (doubts or worries about a relationship, typically a significant other), contamination, causing harm, and unwanted intrusive thoughts (often with sexual or violent themes).
What is an example of an obsession? ›Examples of obsession signs and symptoms include: Fear of being contaminated by touching objects others have touched. Doubts that you've locked the door or turned off the stove. Intense stress when objects aren't orderly or facing a certain way.
What does obsession feel like? ›Obsessions are unwelcome thoughts, images, urges, worries or doubts that repeatedly appear in your mind. They can make you feel very anxious (although some people describe it as 'mental discomfort' rather than anxiety).
How do I become less obsessive in a relationship? ›
- Distract yourself from obsessive thoughts. ...
- Set a goal for yourself. ...
- Get to the root of the feeling. ...
- Practice mindfulness. ...
- Turn to family and friends. ...
- Take up journaling. ...
- Consider if codependency might be to blame. ...
- Spend time with other people.
Can This Disorder Be Treated? Obsessive love disorder can be treated. You can take anti-anxiety medications like Valium and Xanax, antidepressants like Prozac, Paxil, or Zoloft, antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers.
What is relationship OCD? ›Many people have doubt and uncertainty around romantic relationships. Relationship OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) is when your doubts and discomfort about a romantic relationship become uncontrollable and hurt the relationship.